“You know stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through”

“Relax the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while”

“If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document”

“If you run,you’ll only go to jail tired”

“You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again, or I’ll give you another ticket”

“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey crap”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven”

“How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you said you had?”

and the winner is…

“You didn’t think we give pretty woman tickets? You’re right, we don’t.  Sign here!”